I will rise again!

I will rise again!

Laying on my bed, I can feel the pit my body dug onto it – no prize for guessing what it would say if it could talk. It has been my refuge and comfort zone for months now; it knows what I dare not share with the world. It has been there with me shielding me from the darkness of depression and cushioning the blows of life, it helped me pierce through stress and doubts whilst providing much needed comfort.

To the world, I have it all under control. No one hears the painful screams concealed by my laughter. No one notices how broken I am beneath my poised bearing, the smile that stops my quivering lips’ attempt at a plea for help or the tales my face could tell about being drenched daily by the tears flooding my pillow…

Letting go:

I had it all once. I mean it was not the best that my dreams were made of but still I had it all. The snags came when I settled and had let it all become my comfort zone. I had procrastinated a lot of dreams and goals in my life and that was to my own detriment. I focused more on the urgent stuff and neglected the important matters. My vision and mission were diluted with endeavors to keep a failing connection, fighting for the security provided by occupation and making others happy. In the span of it all I lost myself by trying to keep other flames burning instead of just being me and keeping mine alive.

Then came 2017, the year that showed me flames, the year that presented me with a mirror and a chance at self-introspection. A lot happened that year and it all steered me back to basics, I had hit ground zero and there was no turning back because my moment of truth had arrived. I was forced to let go of a lot of things and people that comprised my life. The cost was great and the road ahead was daunting but what other choice did I have if not to let go and let God?

Keeping it together:

I pride myself in that I never made material things the epicenter of my life and I always pressed to stay afloat peer pressure so, letting go of the possessions was not that big a deal because they did not define my life. But still I had grown attached to them; to a greater extent they made life easy and earned me a “status” in the family and community.

Facing the world was starting to be a challenge: I could not be where I want to be when I want to be; I could not afford to do certain things; I was becoming a dependent so how was I going to provide for my daughter and my family? All these things sunk me deep into depression, I could not find resources to keep me going and I did not have the strength to carry on. I felt robbed of my livelihood and happiness.

I pulled away from the world and found solace in my bedroom and social media. But my mother became the constant in my life, she never stopped believing in me and she nurtured me back to life. She prayed for me and with me. I have always heard that a person’s strength lies in a mother and in love – that you are blessed if both are contemporary in your life. I suppose I am also one of the lucky few because moving back home after it all fell apart gave me strength to pick up the pieces and to soldier on.

The future

I believe tomorrow holds a lot of meaningful promises and atop my list is happiness. I believe karma is at work for greater good. It may have been a bad second, minute, hour, day, week, month, year or even years but it is definitely not a bad life – I affirm that what is coming is half full with opportunities and blessings and I am ready for it because I have paid my dues.

Each night I go to my bed with one thing in mind: “the sun will rise and I will try again” - all in hopes of a better tomorrow, a better future. I can be happy again, I can love again, I can start again – yes, and I will rise again!

Author: SJ Ngobeni (810111) – 6 June 2018